Teacher MarOne Queen
"One Queen: How to deal when your mother-in-law is usurping your position in the household"
Hi Suzi and Paolo! I just recently got married. My problem is dealng with my mother-in-law. My husband is very close to his mother and until now, she still decides for us. Worst, my husband goes to her for advice instead of me. How do I assert my role? -Monica Guardia, Pasig City
MANILA, Philippines -- Paolo says: It’s a delicate position you have found yourself in. On one hand when you marry your spouse, you also marry your spouse's family and all the "baggage" that goes along with that. It’s important to remember though that you are also a separate family unit yourselves even while part of the family. While it is perfectly normal to ask for advice from our parents even after we are married, if we do it to the point where our partners are affected or if it’s at a point where its hindering our own personal growth, we have to nip it in the bud.
In your case, I would suggest that you talk to your husband. Start "asserting" yourself by insisting you guys talk about the dynamics of the family. Going back to my previous statement, you have to remind your husband and mom–in-law that you’re (you and your husband) a separate family. While advice is always good, you have to make your own decisions, and that means, you and your husband as partners.
Oftentimes, the breadwinner subconsciously holds the decision-making in the family and sometimes, the partner who doesn’t make a big financial contribution may feel left out of the process or may feel that they don’t have as big a say as the other. I’m not sure what your situation is or the dynamics in your family life, but always remember that both husband and wife are important "providers" in a family. And providing isn’t always measured the same way. Make sure that each of you feels that you have an equal say because you are, in fact, equal partners in the marriage. You should have a say. You are entitled to it as a partner. Tell that to your husband and I am sure he will understand. Talk it out and communicate your needs. Good luck!
Suzi says: Hello there! I'm sure you know that this is an age-old dilemma and that you are one of very many daughters-in-law who don't know how to address this issue. I feel for you. I absolutely do! Although I am very fortunate to have a mother-in-law who is an absolute gem; I have a few friends who do have the same problem as you do.
Well, here is something to look forward to. Time usually makes things easier. It's not that your situation might change. It's that you just might get used to it. In the beginning especially, there is a need to assert yourself because you are starting to make your own rules in your own home. I don't know if you live with your mother-in-law but if you do, try to find a way to live in your own place asap! That will totally help! I believe there can only be one queen in a home, so unless your mother-in-law has a passive personality, you might as well build your own castle right away.
Besides, your mother-in-law is already at an advantage since she can take the "been there, done that" route. And it is hard to top experience even though their generation is different from ours. If you live separately and yet, you feel her control over you and your husband; then, it's time to calmly discuss the situation with your husband.
They say the way a man treats his mother is a good indication of how he will treat you. So hey, good for you! But at this point, your husband might still be at his own awkward stage of trying to manage his two most beloved women. A good piece of advice I can give you is to never speak negatively about his mom. That is a losing battle. Do try to voice out your feelings to your husband without making your mother-in-law look like the kontrabida. Try to be open-minded as well. Sometimes, there is wisdom in other people's opinion but if we allow ourselves to feel neglected and get hurt right away, then we fail to see anything beyond our own feelings. Good luck dear! Oh and next time you go shopping, why not invite your mother-in-law to go with you? Who knows what can happen after a bit of shopping and coffee break?!
Source:
> Manila Bulletin - http://mb.com.ph (article by Suzi and Paolo Abrera)